Smart Misery

‘Twere better Charity
To leave me in the Atom’s Tomb—
Merry, and Nought, and gay, and numb—
Than this smart Misery.

― Emily Dickinson

“I believe; help my unbelief!” – Mark 9:24

These words from the lips of a distraught father imploring Jesus to heal his sick child could be my words as well. Not because I have a sick child, but because there are days when I seesaw between belief and doubt, or as Emily Dickinson would have it, ‘smart Misery.’

Dickinson knew all about doubt – “Faith slips – and laughs, and rallies – Blushes, if any see” she wrote – and that speaks more honestly to me than those bumper sticker slogans such as ‘let go and let God.’ Not that these slogans don’t contain a measure of truth, it’s just that they are so glib and theologically thin.

Contemporary writer Anne Lamott also knows about the struggle to live faithfully and argues that the opposite of faith is not doubt but certainty. It takes humility to admit you don’t have all the answers. tMaybe that’s why I’m drawn to the doubters; there are a lot of them and many might surprise you.

Such as champion Christian apologist C.S. Lewis or Mother Teresa who wrote –

“Such deep longing for God—and … repulsed—empty—no faith—no love—no zeal. (Saving) souls holds no attraction—Heaven means nothing—pray for me please that I keep smiling at Him in spite of everything.”

Even Pope Francis has had his struggles –

“Who among us—everybody, everybody! — who among us has not experienced insecurity, loss and even doubts on their journey of faith? Everyone! We’ve all experienced this, me too. It is part of the journey of faith, it is part of our lives. We are all weak, we all have limits: do not panic. You must leave room for the Lord, not for our certainties; we must be humble.”

It’s my personal opinion that the people with the greatest faith also have the greatest doubts. I really question people who say they have no doubts. I don’t think they are being honest with themselves. After working through doubt my faith, like a broken bone, is stronger after it is mended.

We all have doubts and we have them for a variety of reasons. For some it’s the evil in the world; for others, it’s the suffering of the innocent. My doubt is more cosmic – literally. I compare our dust speck of a planet to the immensity of the universe and wonder why God would focus on us. We seem so insignificant.

And yet, it is in that very endlessness and beauty of the cosmos that I experience God. So it goes.

The upheaval of recent events have shaken the faith of more than a few people. Some advice: If you have doubts don’t bury them. Don’t pretend they don’t exist or that they’re sinful in some way. Confront them. Deal with them. You will come out the other side with a stronger and more authentic faith. Remember Emily Dickinson’s words –

“We both believe, and disbelieve a hundred times an hour, which keeps believing nimble.”

God bless and stay nimble.